I wrote the following plan down a few months ago, not ready to start it yet, since my
terrible sleeping baby wouldn't make it possible. Well, last night, I
was faced with a decision. I had been taking Ambien for years, and it
wasn't working as well. I had to take more and more, and I had run out
early. I was in a panic. I called my doctor, and the nurse told me they
wouldn't prescribe me anymore; that I was taking too much. But then they
decided to give it to me, since they, as well as I, are worried that I
might sink into my crazy pregnancy depression that I experienced last
year.
(See how I came out of that here. and here.)But after some thought, I knew I needed to quit this. I had this
solution given to me months ago, and now I needed to face my mountain.
With Ethan now sleeping through the night, I had run out of excuses. So I
didn't get the meds. And I cried, and cried, and cried. Terrified of
losing my mind to severe lack of sleep. But then I realized, that I am
not that person anymore. I conquered that mountain. And I am stronger
today than I ever have been. I KNOW I can do this.
With a blessing and
prayers, I started last night. Didn't fall asleep till 4:00 am or so,
and got up at 7 am. No nap. I will see how long it takes me to sleep
tonight, and then starting Friday, I am pulling my all-niter. And the
reset button will be pushed. I'm writing this all down, in case there
are others out there that have or are currently experiencing insomnia,
and need a solution. I will do this, for you and me, and we'll see how
it all pans out.
So far, today was a good day. This morning I didn't
feel awesome, but this afternoon I felt alive. I played with my kids, I
mean, really good and long. We read books, giggled, made silly noises,
tickled, played games, sang songs. And it was perfect. I know Heavenly
Father won't leave me in my trial, and that all trials are here for us
to learn and grow, and we DO come out stronger in the end. This will not
be easy, it will probably be one of the hardest things I've ever done,
but it will be worth it, to be free of dependence on drugs. I'll blog
again tomorrow, or tonight, and let you know my state of mind, and my
whole experience.
Here is my story...
For the past ten years, I have had chronic insomnia, and before that, as
my mother has shared with me, I wasn't such a great sleeper either. I
toss and turn for hours and hours, until finally I fall asleep, only to
find that it's usually 4 am, and I usually have to get up for something
or someone, and cannot get the amount of sleep needed. My brain just
won't shut off. That chemical that turns your brain off and helps you
drift to sleep, just doesn't function. I have always slept better in the
morning, and been wide awake late at night. I can't pin point when and
why this really developed, but I have been off and on sleeping pills
since I was 16, but for almost 3 years, I have been on Ambien every
single night. If any of you know anything about sleeping pills, you know
you are only supposed to be on them for a few nights, never long term.
They aren't made for a chronic problem, and over time, you eventually
develop a resistance to them, and need a higher dose in order for them
to still work. Sooner or later, you are needing such a high dose, way
more than recommended, and you are faced with either running out of your
prescription too soon, or going to the doctor and getting on a
different kind. When you've been on sleeping pills for this long, when
you run out of your meds, you don't sleep...AT ALL... for a couple
nights. Your body can go through withdrawal, and insomnia temporarily
worsens. By the third night of hardly any sleep, your resolve to quit
the sleeping pills diminishes. You NEED the pills...you can't function
without sleep. right? So you HAVE to be on them. It's just part of who
you are, and what you need to function...right??? In an article I was
reading, I found this quote. "The only effect sleeping pills have,"
says sleep expert Dr. Kripke at
UCSD, "is they make you feel good about not being able to sleep." Even
your doctor tells you it's fine that you need it, and if it isn't
working, lets load you up with more drugs. It's a hole you feel stuck
in. YOu just wish you could shut your damn brain off and sleep like the
rest of the normal people out there, but no one has an answer, and REAL
solution to your problem.
This is where I am at right now. My baby is finally starting to sleep
longer stretches, and here I am, wide awake. And just as I'm finally
falling asleep, I look at the clock and realize my toddler will wake up
in a couple hours, and I'll have no choice but to get up and be his
mommy, no matter how tired I am. Then someone offers to give me a nap,
and I take it. I feel better when I wake up, but I find that I have the
same problem later that night, and I can't sleep unless I'm heavily
drugged.
I have been wanting with all of my heart to get off of these meds, but
with desperation and a priesthood blessing, I was prompted to wait until
I was no longer pregnant, since my pregnancy was so complicated. I was
told that I would be able to find a solution, even though it may be hard
to go through. So here I am, almost 8 weeks post pardum, and last
weekend, I ran out of Ambien, and of course, I had been taking too much
and couldn't refill it yet. I went to my doctor, and he said I could
start on a different medication, but he advised that I figure out why I
am not sleeping. I asked him if I should see a sleep therapist, and he
seemed to think that was a good idea. So I did the hard thing. I went
home without a prescription, knowing all too well that I would not be
sleeping a wink that night. But I was done. I was done with being so
dependent on these pills. And with my body going back to normal, I was
ready to take this on. The weekend was rough. My hubby let me sleep in
on Saturday and Sunday and Monday, after no sleep the previous nights.
Then Tuesday night, I finally fell asleep at midnight and slept for 3
1/2 hours, then woke up and fed the baby and could not go back to sleep,
even though I was utterly exhausted and the baby was sleeping. That was
last night, and today I went and saw the sleep specialist. I told him
my history, and after going through many questions, he first told me
that he was very impressed that I wanted to find a solution, and that I
was brave enough to get conquer my dependence on the meds, and that I
wasn't there just to convince him I needed a higher dose. Then he
proceeded to tell me about this treatment called Sleep Restriction
Therapy.
First he started out by explaining that our minds can be compared to a
computer. When you go to shut it down, you have two ways of doing so.
You can shut it down the correct way by clicking the button, and then it
proceeds to go through the normal procedure of closing programs and
turning off correctly. Or, you can push the start button and hold it
down, till you force it to shut off. Forcing your brain to shut off at
night is exactly what sleeping pills do. You are not shutting down the
normal way, you are just skipping that whole process and forcing it to
sleep. Pretty soon, this is the only way your brain knows how to sleep
at night, and it completely relies on it. So, you are up all night, and
then you sleep in the morning, or take naps during the day, so then you
aren't tired so you have to take a pill to sleep, and the whole process
repeats itself.
So this is what you do. First, you have to figure out how much sleep you
normally get without sleeping pills. Get and average over a few nights,
and log it. Then you must do a "hard reset" on your brain, and you stay
up for 24 hours straight. This means no sleeping pills. Sleeping pills
will harm any chance of retraining your body to know when to sleep and
how to stay asleep. Sleep fasting reboots your internal sleep computer.
This resets your circadian rhythm, and starts a clean slate.
Then you must figure out when you need or want to get up every morning,
and subtract that from the number of hours you normally sleep at night,
and that is the time you go to bed. So for me, I usually only get 4
hours of sleep at night, and I have to get up by 7 every morning, so my
bedtime after the sleep fast would be 3 am. I MUST get up at 7 am, even
if I feel like sleeping in.
Next, you must use bright light therapy. You can buy these at stores,
but my hubby actually made a light box for me after researching how and
what kind of light you needed. You have to be near the light for a half
hour right after waking every morning. Using light therapy is absolutely
essential, and this whole process is not near as successful without it.
This helps to teach your system when to sleep and wake at the right
times.
Next, you gradually increase the amount of sleep you get each night.This
is one of the most important steps, because if you jump back too
quickly into trying to sleep all night, you'll lose any benefit you
gained up to this point. Once you find that you are falling asleep
quickly (within 20 minutes of lying down) and you are sleeping the full
amount of time, you can add 15 minutes of sleep. So if my bed time is 3
am, I could try going to sleep at 2:45 am, and if that night is
successful, then 2:30 am and so on. But if I find that I cannot sleep at
2:30 am quickly, then I must go back to sleeping at 2:45 or 3 am, and
start at the time I could sleep for a few days, and try it again.
And last, NO NAPPING. This is extremely important. Napping messes up
your circadian rhythm and you won't be able to sleep when you need to.
If you have chronic insomnia, like me, you should never ever nap again,
it's that important. This kinda makes me wanna cry. If you feel tired
during the day, use your light box or get out in the
sunshine and exercise until the drowsiness is gone, but don't give in to
napping.
In reading Dr. Spielman's studies, most people gained at least a couple
hours of sleep each night after doing this therapy. That can make all
the difference. 6 hours of sleep is a heck of a lot better than 4.
When he explained this to me, it felt right. I felt peace that this is
the course of action I should take in order to beat this problem. It's
definitely not the easy route. It's going to kill me, I am sure. But in
my mind, it makes perfect sense. This is the only real solution I have
ever been given to treat my chronic insomnia, and I am so grateful that
it exists.
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