This is exactly how I feel

This is exactly how I feel

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Three weeks clean

Well, it's been three weeks since I last took an Ambien, and I must be honest with you. There is not a night that goes by that the thought doesn't cross my mind that I wish I had it. It's even got to the point of me trying to figure out if there was a way I could take it without anyone knowing. That's drug addiciton right there, my friends. I can honestly say that on a small level, I now can sympathize with those who are addicted to various drugs, and I can see why they would lapse. But I promise you I haven't, and I never, ever will.

I am not sleeping great, but I am sleeping. Some nights are worse than others. Some nights I get only 3 hours of sleep, and others I get up to 6. But it's usually around the 4 to 5 hour mark. Like I said, not great, but it's doable, and I have to remember that I am still healing, and I have to be patient and realize it will get better with time.

I am not dependent on that awful pill any longer. I'm free. And I figured out again that I am stronger than I usually think I am. I can do anything, with the Lord's help. And I've noticed something else. My mind is clearer now. I can think and reason better. I don't feel drugged in the morning. I know I am healthier, and I know my baby is healthier without it. To all those who may feel that it's impossible, IT'S NOT. You can do it! And it's worth it!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Not perfect, but getting there

Last night was not perfect. I didn't nod off like I should have, so I had to get out of bed. That was hard. Really hard. I wanted to just stay there, but that's the kind of thing that leads to a bad association with your bed and not being able to sleep. I had to get out of bed twice. But finally at about 1 am, I fell asleep. Woke up a couple times, but was able to nod off quickly. The thought still crosses my mind, that Ambien would sure be nice, that it was nice to not have to work for my sleep, that the pill would just do it for me, but I will never ever go back to that again. Not after all this hard work, not after this hell that it put me through. I trust my body. I just need to give it time to learn and heal. It's not gonna happen right away, but I have faith that it will.

Monday, August 26, 2013


So last night, I made it to 12 pm before I was out like a light. Woke up 6.5 hours later! I FEEL AMAZING!!! Yesterday after a family party, I was basically drunk and disfunctional. I couldn't even walk inside. My hubby carried me in, plopped me on the bed, and I could have slept then, but I was trying desperately hard to stay up longer. By 11:30, I decided I could sleep, and promised myself that if I didn't nod off right away, I'd get out of bed. Well, before midnight I was out!! NEVER HAPPENS! Now today, I was up out of bed by 7, and will not be taking a nap. Hopefully I will nod off by midnight, and if I don't, I'll get out of bed, and try to sleep later. The key is to NOT stay in bed if you can't sleep. I sure hope this sticks. I got greedy last night and went to bed before I should have, but seriously, after 4 days of extremely little sleep, my body forced shut down. But if I have to, I'll stay up again.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Breaking point

Couldn't sleep till 4. Was woken up twice by Carson. Hubby slept downstairs with the monitor so I wouldn't hear Ethan, but we didn't expect Carson to get up. Felt like punching my hubby in the face when he told me it was 7 and I had to get up. Hardest part. Hate everyone and everything right now. God, help me.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Saturday night

I had a friend from my ward bring me dinner a couple nights ago. It feels so good to know that you are never alone in your trials. She has a beautiful, giving heart. I need to be more like her. We all have busy lives, but she went out of her way to bring me dinner. No one asked her to, I never said I needed anything, she just figured having dinner ready since I'm so sleep deprived would help. It made me cry. (But of course, I am pregnant AND severely sleep deprived, so yes I'm kind of crazy emotional right now) I have been through I can and cannot do this about a thousand times over the course of the last couple days, especially today. I finally get to sleep at 3 am. But I have to wake at 7. I have no idea how badly my body is gonna feel, but I am scared. Trying not to be. I pray I go straight to sleep, and sleep the entire time, because if I do, I can try sleeping at 2:30 the next night, and so on.

Trying desperately to stay awake right now, but it's becoming near impossible. 2 hours to go. These lonely nights can make you crazy.

Losing it, just a little

I'm never taking ambien, ever ever ever again. I will never let it do this to me again.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Alright, here we go...

My all-nighter has started. Just put my hubby to bed. Everyone is asleep, but not me! The next time I go to sleep will be at 3 am tomorrow night. That will mean I will have received a total of 8 hours of sleep for 96 hours. I'm confident psychosis is going to set in. Good thing it's the weekend and my hubby is home. For the next several nights after this sleep deprivation, I will be staying up till 3 am every night, and waking at 7 am every day, until I find that I can fall asleep easily within 20 minutes at that time. Once that is possible, I will give myself 15 extra minutes each night that I successfully fall asleep. Eventually I hope to be able to go to sleep at midnight, and wake at 7 am. We will see. 

Right now, I'm fairly ok. This morning was very, very hard. 1 hour of sleep killed me, but I had no choice but to get up. As the day went on, I felt better. I'm running on something right now, not sure what. I hope this night goes by quickly, because being alone through this is no fun. I'm more worried about my state of mind tomorrow. I know, I know this will be worth it. I've been through worse. I CAN do this. I'm tough. And with His help, anything is possible. He will not leave me in my trial. He never has.

Any ideas of what could occupy my time for an entire night? Good series recommendations? Please share!